Triumph Through Tension: Building Trust in High-Stakes Moments

You’re about to walk into a meeting with your public works director. Performance issues need to be addressed. Your heart rate increases slightly. You’ve rehearsed this conversation a dozen times in your head, but you know how defensive they can get. You take a deep breath and reach for the door handle.

Sound familiar?

Whether it’s a difficult performance conversation, a heated council debate, or a community forum on a controversial development project, your success as a city manager often hinges on these tension-filled moments.

The High Stakes of Municipal Dialogue

In “Crucial Conversations,” Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler reveal a fundamental truth: what separates effective leaders isn’t whether they face difficult conversations – it’s how they handle them.

For city managers, this rings especially true. Your conversations don’t just impact individual relationships; they influence:

• Department morale and performance
• Council-staff dynamics
• Community trust and engagement
• Project momentum and success
• Your city’s organizational culture

Start with Heart: Beyond Winning and Being Right

When tension rises in council chambers or your office, your first task isn’t to craft the perfect response – it’s to check your own intentions.

Ask yourself:

• What do I really want for my city?
• What do I want for this relationship long-term?
• What do I want for my team?

This shift in focus transforms your approach from winning an argument to building understanding. One city manager shared how this changed their approach to budget discussions: “Instead of defending my recommendations, I started exploring what council members really wanted for our community. Suddenly, we were having a different conversation.”

Master Your Stories: The Gap Between Action and Interpretation

Consider this scenario: A council member consistently challenges your recommendations in public meetings. Your natural interpretation? They’re trying to undermine your authority. But is that the whole story?

Here’s a practical framework for managing your interpretations:

1. Observe the facts: What actually happened?
2. Separate your story: What meaning are you adding?
3. Test your conclusions: What else could this mean?
4. Stay curious: What might you be missing?

The STATE Method: Sharing Difficult Messages with Clarity and Respect

When you need to address tough issues, use this proven approach:

Share Facts First
Instead of: “Your department’s performance is problematic.”
Try: “I’ve noticed three missed deadlines on the Main Street project in the past month.”

Tell Your Story
Share your interpretation with ownership:
“I’m concerned this pattern could impact our ability to deliver on council priorities.”

Ask for Others’ Paths
Open the dialogue:
“I’d like to understand the challenges you’re seeing. What’s your perspective on this?”

Talk Tentatively
Use language that invites dialogue:
“I’m wondering if…” instead of “You clearly don’t…”

Encourage Testing
Welcome different viewpoints:
“What am I missing? Help me understand your view.”

Putting It Into Practice

Here’s how one city manager applied these principles in a contentious situation:

“We had a heated debate about a downtown development project. Instead of defending the plan, I started by acknowledging the facts both sides agreed on. Then, I shared my perspective while explicitly asking for others’ views. What could have been a confrontation turned into a collaborative problem-solving session.”

Moving Forward

Today’s municipal challenges require more than just authority – they demand the ability to build trust and understanding across diverse perspectives. By mastering these crucial conversation skills, you’re not just avoiding conflict; you’re building the foundation for more effective governance.

Remember: Tension in important conversations isn’t a bug – it’s a feature. It signals that something meaningful is at stake. Your job isn’t to eliminate tension but to transform it into a catalyst for positive change.

Your Leadership Challenge

Think about an upcoming high-stakes conversation. Before you walk in:

• What do you really want for all involved?
• What story are you telling yourself?
• How can you create space for genuine dialogue?

Share your experiences or questions in the comments on my LinkedIn page.

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Transform Your Leadership in 2025

Building trust in high-stakes moments requires both skill and continuous development. The Municipal Leadership Development Circle (MLDC), launching January 2025, brings you daily insights and proven strategies through bite-sized content designed for busy city managers. Don’t let another crucial moment catch you unprepared.

Learn More About MLDC – Early enrollment is now open but early bonuses are limited so act fast!

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Seth Winterhalter is President of HaltingWinter Municipal Solutions, dedicated to making stronger cities through stronger leaders. Through executive coaching, consulting, and the Municipal Leadership Development Circle (MLDC), HaltingWinter helps city managers and municipal leaders transform their leadership impact and their organizational culture.