Defusing the Feedback Bomb: How Savvy City Managers Navigate Emotional Triggers

Welcome back to our exploration of “Thanks for the Feedback” by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. Today, we’re tackling a challenge that every municipal leader faces: managing the emotional responses that can derail productive feedback conversations. By mastering this skill, you’ll be able to transform potentially explosive situations into opportunities for collaboration and growth.

The Trigger Triad: Truth, Relationship, and Identity

Stone and Heen identify three primary triggers that can cause us to react defensively to feedback:

1. Truth Triggers: When we believe the feedback is wrong or unfair
2. Relationship Triggers: When we’re affected by who’s giving the feedback
3. Identity Triggers: When the feedback threatens our sense of who we are

Let’s explore how these triggers manifest in municipal leadership and strategies to overcome them.

1. Truth Triggers: When Feedback Feels Off-Base

As a city manager, you might encounter truth triggers when:

• A council member criticizes a decision based on incomplete information
• A citizen complains about a service without understanding the constraints you’re working under
• A department head provides a negative assessment that doesn’t align with your perception of events

Defusing Strategy: Shift from “That’s wrong!” to “Tell me more.”

• Seek to understand the feedback giver’s perspective
• Ask for specific examples to clarify their point of view
• Look for the grain of truth, even in feedback you mostly disagree with

Collaboration Opportunity: Use disagreements as a chance to share information and align perceptions. For example, if a council member criticizes a decision, invite them to a detailed briefing on the factors that influenced your choice.

2. Relationship Triggers: When It’s Personal

Relationship triggers in municipal leadership might arise when:

• You receive criticism from a council member who’s been consistently oppositional
• Feedback comes from a department head you’ve had conflicts with in the past
• A community leader you respect expresses disappointment in a recent initiative

Defusing Strategy: Separate the message from the messenger

• Focus on the content of the feedback, not your history with the person giving it
• Acknowledge any interpersonal tension openly: “I know we’ve had our differences, but I want to understand your perspective on this.”
• Look for patterns in feedback from multiple sources, rather than dismissing input from certain individuals

Collaboration Opportunity: Use feedback as a bridge to improve strained relationships. Thank the person for their input and express your commitment to addressing their concerns, setting a tone of mutual respect and cooperation.

3. Identity Triggers: When Feedback Shakes Your Self-Image

Identity triggers can be particularly challenging for city managers, who often tie their self-worth to their professional competence. These might occur when:

• Public criticism makes you question your leadership abilities
• A failed initiative leads to doubts about your decision-making skills
• Negative feedback conflicts with your view of yourself as a capable, effective leader

Defusing Strategy: Embrace a growth mindset

• Remind yourself that feedback is about your actions, not your worth as a person
• View challenges as opportunities to learn and improve, not as definitive judgments
• Cultivate a strong sense of self that can withstand occasional criticism

Collaboration Opportunity: Model vulnerability and continuous learning for your team. Share how you’re working to improve based on feedback, encouraging a culture where growth is valued over perfection.

Putting It Into Practice: The Feedback Fire Drill

Just as your city conducts fire drills to prepare for emergencies, you can prepare for challenging feedback situations:

1. Identify your personal hot buttons: What types of feedback or situations tend to trigger you?
2. Develop a mental “cool down” routine: Deep breaths, a grounding phrase, or a quick reframe
3. Practice active listening techniques to stay engaged even when emotions run high
4. Prepare neutral, non-defensive responses to buy yourself time to process: “That’s interesting feedback. Can you tell me more about what led you to that conclusion?”

Your Trigger-Taming Challenge

This week, pay attention to your emotional responses to feedback. Can you identify which trigger – truth, relationship, or identity – is being activated? Practice using the defusing strategies in real-time.

Share your experiences or questions in the comments on our LinkedIn post. You can find me here or our company page, HaltingWinter, here. Let’s learn from each other’s strategies for turning triggering feedback into fuel for collaborative success.

Remember, by mastering your response to feedback triggers, you’re not just improving your own leadership – you’re creating a more open, resilient, and collaborative culture throughout your municipality.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post, where we’ll explore how to become a skilled receiver of feedback, extracting value even from poorly delivered criticism. And don’t forget to catch this week’s podcast episode, “Feedback Revolution: Transforming City Hall Conversations,” for more in-depth strategies on mastering the art of feedback in municipal leadership.

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Seth Winterhalter is President of HaltingWinter Municipal Solutions, dedicated to making stronger cities through stronger leaders. Through executive coaching, consulting, and the Municipal Leadership Development Circle (MLDC), HaltingWinter helps city managers and municipal leaders transform their leadership impact and their organizational culture.